When it comes to envy, we categorize it as a “deadly sin,” a petty, green-eyed monster.
In this series, we unpack complex emotions to find the wisdom hidden inside them.
It’s one of the most private and least-discussed emotions, arriving with a sour, electric heat that we’re often ashamed to admit. But what if that’s the wrong way of dealing with envy entirely?
The conventional advice—just be grateful for what you have or stop comparing yourself with others—falls flat. It’s like telling someone with a broken leg to just walk it off.
Envy is a powerful, primal signal. It’s pointing directly at your un-lived life, your disowned desires, and your deepest values. The goal isn’t to eliminate envy. It’s to learn how to leverage its strength for your own good. These journal prompts are designed to help you decode the signal and give this powerful feeling a purpose.
Part 1: What Kind of Envy Is This?
Before you can overcome envy, you must understand what it’s telling you. We often misunderstand the emotion itself.
Benign vs. Malicious Envy
Psychological research, particularly by Dr. Niels van de Ven, has identified two distinct types of envy. Understanding which one you’re feeling is the first step.
Benign Envy: This is the ‘I want what you have’ feeling. It’s an upward-looking, non-hostile comparison. It stings, but it’s often focused on the thing you desire (the skill, the house, the recognition). Studies show that when people feel benign envy, they are more motivated to improve themselves and take action to achieve the same success.
Malicious Envy: This is the ‘I want you to not have what you have’ feeling. It’s a downward-pulling, hostile emotion. It’s less about you gaining something and more about the other person losing something.
Envy and the social-leveling hypothesis
Anthropologists suggest envy evolved as a social-leveling tool. In small, hunter-gatherer groups, if one person hoarded resources, the envy of others would ‘correct’ the imbalance, pressuring them to share. This kept the group cohesive. The problem? Our paleolithic brain is now scrolling through a global feed, and it’s trying to ‘socially level’ with billionaires, supermodels, and a friend’s “perfect” vacation. This evolutionary mismatch creates chronic, modern-day envy.
Journal Prompts for Uncovering The Type of Envy:
Name the Target
Who and what is the specific trigger of your envy? Be precise. Don’t just write ‘my friend’, but ‘my friend’s announcement of their new job.’
Describe the Sensation
Close your eyes. When you think of this trigger, where does envy live in your body? Is it a hot tightness in your chest? A sinking feeling in your stomach? A buzzing in your head? Describe only the physical sensations envy produces in your body.
The Benign or Malicious Test
Scenario A (benign envy): Imagine you get exactly what this person has. You get the same job, the same house, the same praise. How do you feel? Do you feel satisfied? Does the envy dissolve?
Scenario B (malicious envy): Imagine the person loses the thing you envy. They get fired, their relationship ends, their project fails. How does that make you feel? Be brutally honest; no one will read this. Is there a secret, shameful flicker of relief?
The Verdict: Based on your previous answers, which category does this feeling fall into? Benign (a desire to *have*) or malicious (a desire for them to *not have*)?
Part 2: Why Did This Trigger You?
Envy is never about the other person. It’s about you. The person you envy is simply a mirror reflecting a disowned part of yourself.
Envy as an Indicator of Your Shadow
Carl Jung, the Swiss psychoanalyst, developed the concept of the shadow self. This is the part of your unconscious mind where you stash all the things you can’t (or won’t) accept about yourself—your “unacceptable” desires, ambitions, and traits. Don’t be afraid of your shadow, although it may sound dark, you should know that even “good” feelings and most noble desires can also be part of your shadow.
Example: You feel a spike of intense, disproportionate envy when a quiet colleague speaks up in a meeting and gets praise. You tell yourself, “They’re just a show-off.” But this envy is pointing at a disowned desire: “I wish I had the courage to speak up.” You have repressed your own desire to be seen and heard. You don’t envy the person; you envy the “permission” they gave themselves.
Journal Prompts to Uncover the Trigger:
The “Prize” vs. The “Person”
Let’s separate the person you envy from the “prize” they hold. Write down what is the prize they own in one or two words (e.g., financial freedom, creative recognition, apparent ease, physical confidence).
The Shadow
Now, consider the prize and what it means. What deep desire in you does it represent?
Example:
If you envy their financial freedom, what does that freedom mean to you? (Security? The ability to leave a job you hate? The power to say no?)
If you envy their creative recognition, what is the un-lived creative dream in you? What part of you is desperate to be expressed?
Trace it Back
When was the first time you came to the conclusion that this desire (e.g., “wanting to be the center of attention,” “wanting to be rich,” “wanting to rest”) was “bad,” “shameful,” or “not for you”?
The Permission
What has this person you envy given themselves permission to do or be that you have not given yourself permission to do or be?
Part 3: How to Turn Envy into Action?
You’ve diagnosed the type and found the origin. Now, you can use this potent energy for your own benefit. The goal is to move from passive, painful envy to active, inspired admiration.
Admiration-Mapping
This is the antidote to envy. Envy is a passive state of wanting. Admiration is an active state of learning. This technique helps you build a bridge. It’s a form of proactive coping and goal-setting. By breaking down an overwhelming object of envy into small, concrete steps, you move from a fixed mindset (They have it, and I don’t) to a growth mindset (They have it, and I can learn from it).
Example:
You envy your friend who just ran a marathon.
Envy says: “I could never do that. My body isn’t built for it. They’re just lucky they have the time.”
Admiration-mapping says: “The ‘prize’ I want is physical discipline and public accomplishment. What is the absolute first step? Not a marathon. Not a 10k. The first step is going for a short run.”
Journal Prompts for Turning Envy Into Action:
The Admiration-Map
Take the prize you identified in Part 2 and answer these two questions.
Question 1: What is one thing the person you envy did to get it?
Question 2: What is a micro-step you can take this week—not to get the whole prize, but to honor the desire behind it?
Example: You identified the prize to be creative recognition.
Question 1: “They finished a manuscript.” “They built a website.” “They submitted their art to a gallery.”
Question 2: “Write for 15 minutes.” “Brainstorm 5 names for a website.” “Take one photo for a portfolio.”
The Scarcity Myth
Envy often comes from a scarcity mindset—the belief that there is only one prize and they took it. Write down: “There is not just one [prize].” Now, brainstorm: What does your unique version of this prize look like? (Maybe you don’t want their job; you want the respect they get. How can you earn respect in your own field?)
The Cognitive Reframe (turning malicious into benign)
This is the hardest one. If you identified your envy as malicious, it’s time to practice a cognitive reframe.
Thought: What if this person’s success adds to the world instead of taking from me? What if their success proves that [the prize] is possible?
Action: Send a genuine message of congratulations. It can be a simple “Hey, I saw your news. That’s amazing. Well-deserved.” This small act can sometimes be enough to break the spell of malicious envy.
The Lesson
Look at the prize one last time. Write a thank-you note to your envy. “Thank you, envy, for showing me that I deeply value [your value]. You were a painful signal, but I heard you. You’ve pointed me back to myself. My new mission is to [your micro-step].”
Envy as a Guide
Envy is a complicated, painful human experience. It’s also one of our most profound and misunderstood teachers. By refusing to shame it and instead holding it up to the light, you can unlock a powerful source of motivation.
You can discover that what you thought was a monster was actually a guide, lost in the dark, trying to point you back toward the light of your own un-lived potential.
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only. While journaling is a powerful tool, it is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment from a qualified healthcare provider or therapist.
